by Regina Kim

“In the forum of the entire group I was forced to tell her that I couldn’t fulfill the task since the allotted time wasn’t reasonable. She claimed that it was a simple task . . . I felt that she was cornering me and that in any case I wouldn’t come out of this conversation looking good . . . My sense was that it was her word against mine . . . I felt small and rather helpless. This situation made me feel ashamed because I felt that my credibility was being called into question . . . I responded angrily, I tried to explain why, given the existing pressure, I wouldn’t be able to keep up with the schedule anyway.”  (p.1125)

Conflicts can elicit strong emotional responses.  Among them are guilt and shame, which typically arise in interpersonal contexts following wrongdoing and can cause great distress and jeopardize relationships.

Behrendt and Ben-Ari (2012) examined how guilt and shame are related to different styles of coping with conflict.  They found that experiences of guilt in conflicts led to the use of more cooperative conflict styles, such as integration, where parties integrate their own needs with the needs of the other.  In addition, people who felt guilt actually showed more concern for the other than themselves, more empathy towards the other person’s situation, a higher degree of motivation to better understand the other side, and demonstrated more personal responsibility than people who experienced shame.

In contrast, experiences of shame in conflict were related to the use of competitive coping styles, where the disputant’s primary concern was defeating the other party.  Also, people who felt shame showed more concern for themselves than others, expressed a stronger sense of helplessness, threat and low self-worth, and displayed less personal responsibility.

These findings shed light on the potentially positive social implications of guilt, which is typically viewed as a negative emotion, as well as the social consequences of shame.  Based on these results, professionals in conflict resolution and mediation can help parties who are feeling a sense of guilt by sharing the positive implications of guilt and the cooperating coping styles associated with it.  They can also keep in mind that shame is not only destructive to the person who is experiencing it (i.e. strong sense of helplessness and low self-worth) but is also associated with the use of competitive coping styles, which can deepen interpersonal conflicts and lead to deteriorated relationships.